Engaging in Romantic Relationships

Engaging in romantic relationships is developmentally appropriate during young adulthood. 35 percent of adolescents ages 13 to 17 and almost all youth by age 18 report having dated at some point. Helping young people have healthy romantic relationships may have lasting impacts. Healthy romantic relationships during adolescence and emerging adulthood are shown to be associated with more positive well-being outcomes. For example, fewer mental health problems, higher life satisfaction, higher self-esteem, and other positive young adult outcomes such as academic success.

1. Develop rapport and trust with the young person.
2. Create a welcoming and private space.
3. Prepare for, engage in, and follow up with youth intentionally.
4. Remain self-aware and willing to reflect on your own assumptions.
5. Maintain your knowledge of state-mandated reporting policies.
6. Pay attention to cultural norms.

Research and practice literature suggests that a broad array of domains are importantindicators of healthy romantic relationships. Critical domains include:

Communication
Communication is how partners in a relationship express their thoughts and feelings, both verbally and nonverbally. Healthy communication includes active listening, honesty, emotional regulation, and self-awareness. Preferences and styles may vary from youth to youth depending on culture and experiences.

Boundaries/limits
Boundaries/limits are an individual’s expectations and limits of what behaviors are acceptable or not acceptable within their relationships. Individuals generally have physical, material, mental or intellectual, and emotional boundaries/limits. Understanding and recognizing boundaries/limits is essential for establishing and maintaining a healthy romantic relationship. Healthy boundaries/limits allow youth to feel comfortable with expectations in their relationships.

Shared power
Shared power means that partners in a relationship support and respect one another and have balanced, mutually agreed-upon roles and responsibilities. People in relationships with shared power tend to be more satisfied in their relationship and may experience better mental health.
Talking about and understanding shared power in romantic relationships is complex. For example, shared power is influenced by behaviors and biases related to numerous factors such as gender identity, sexual orientation, race, and disability status.

As shown in the following figure, these domains overlap and are all needed to foster healthy relationships. For example, equality and mutual respect are needed for a person to feel comfortable communicating their boundaries and enforcing those limits.

The ways that domains overlap include the following:

Overlap of boundaries and communication––Healthy communication is needed to set and enforce boundaries.

Overlap of boundaries and shared power––Boundaries can help partners understand how to share responsibility in relationships and work toward equality.

Shared Power––Requires a balance of support and responsibilities between their partner(s).

Overlap of communication and shared power––In relationships with shared power partners communicate to establish balanced responsibilities/needs/wants.

Systemic and cultural considerations

Systemic and cultural considerations impact the structure of a relationship and, how these domains are observed and experienced. For example, a systemic consideration may include how gender norms in society influence youths’ view of roles within a relationship, or norms that are specific to a geographic location.

Cultural considerations may include religion, immigration status, and ethnic backgrounds, among other factors. Cultural considerations can influence perceptions of relationships and influence expectations and approaches toward understanding their relationships among young people who experience the child welfare and/or justice systems, homelessness, and/or
disconnection from school and work. Cultural considerations that influence healthy romantic relationships may also influence how parents and professionals support youth who have these experiences.

The following list of recommendations is not exhaustive but provides a starting point for talking with young people about healthy romantic relationships:

• Create an open and judgement-free zone.
• Help young people explore their experiences rather than labeling them.
• Validate young peoples’ feeling and experiences.
• Approach conversations with an open mind, empathy, willingness to listen and learn.
• Use a trauma-informed lens.
• Respect youth’s privacy and be transparent about limits to transparency.

Dos and Don’ts for Talking with Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Components of healthy communication include active listening, honesty, and being aware of non-verbal communication, regardless of whether the communication occurs in-person or electronically. Healthy communication requires youth to be able to express themselves, regulate their emotions, and have a sense of self-awareness.

Research finds that healthy communication between romantic partners has a significant impact on individual well-being and relationship quality and satisfaction for young adults. Studies also suggest that youth often struggle to communicate with romantic partners and may lack confidence in their own communication skills. Healthy communication can allow partners to handle stressful situations, manage conflict, apologize when needed, help ensure everyone in the relationship is on the same page, and establish a strong sense of understanding and connection.

Communication is a precursor for other components of healthy relationships such as setting and enforcing boundaries and addressing power dynamics.

Depending on the cultures they experience young people may vary in the ways they communicate and how those cultures’ use high and low-context communication. High-context communication relies on heavy use of implicit information like body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. Low-context communication norms include using explicit information like words and facts. These differences might lead to miscommunication in partners if one partner uses nonverbal cues and another partner is unaware of those cues.

Additionally, different communication styles may not be appropriate for every relationship. For example, a more assertive communication approach, especially for women, may not align with the values and communication patterns within some cultures. Young people who experience the child welfare and/or justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work may need to adapt their communication style to maintain safety in a relationship. For example, an assertive communication approach may not be effective if it increases the likelihood of a negative or violent response from a partner. Youth-supporting professionals should be aware of differences in communication that are shaped by a particular partner, and help youth navigate these differences within their relationships.

How to help youth build communication skills to foster healthy, romantic relationships

• Model healthy communication and problem-solving skills.
• Help youth practice communicating in healthy and productive ways (e.g., considering emotional expression, tone).
• Encourage youth to reflect on past relationship conflicts or communication breakdowns and develop standards for healthy communication based on their experiences.
• Acknowledge that more youth than ever are relying on online communication to either identify potential partners (e.g., online dating) or communicate with partners (e.g., direct messages on social media).
• Encourage youth to consider their romantic and sexual communication online and develop norms for hurt feelings, e.g., that was wrong of me, I won’t do it again! Use of social media, dating apps, and engaging in sexting may involve creating boundaries for online communication and practicing saying “no” to a request that violates those boundaries.
• Encourage youth to think about how they communicate consent, develop an understanding of how they will demonstrate affirmative consent, and give them the tools to have ongoing conversations about consent. Consent is a central component of any healthy relationship and effective communication is an important part of establishing initial consent and continuing to discuss consent throughout a relationship.
• Encourage youth to take initiative and start hard conversations when needed.
• Work with youth in a way that is nonjudgmental and supportive when they are describing their experiences.
• Encourage youth to establish boundaries and norms around communication expectations with partners.
• Work with youth to hear and listen to what the other person is saying.

How to help youth set boundaries/limits

Studies show that healthy relationship programming for adolescents generally improves their ability to differentiate between characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships, and to recognize the important role of boundaries. In romantic relationships, boundaries constitute individuals’ expectations and limits of what behaviors are acceptable or not acceptable of themselves and their partner(s).

Boundaries help youth express to their partner(s) what they need to feel content and safe in a relationship and help their partner(s) understand how they can support the relationship. Setting effective boundaries requires youth to express their own needs and limits and be open to listing and respecting boundaries set by their partner(s).

Boundaries are rooted in what individuals find comfortable or uncomfortable and are highly individualistic. Everyone has different boundaries based on their experiences in life and relationships, both romantic and nonromantic.

Boundaries can take many forms, but most studies identify 4 main categories: physical, material, mental/intellectual, and emotional.

1. Physical boundaries are an individual’s boundaries related to their body, which include sexual
   boundaries. These boundaries include the kind and level of touch they find acceptable, as well as how and when they are comfortable sharing space. For example, whether they feel comfortable with affection in public, and whether they prefer spending time alone without their partner(s).
2. Material boundaries are an individual’s boundaries regarding their resources and belongings. They include whether and to what extent an individual is comfortable sharing or loaning things like money, clothing, vehicles, or cell phones.
3. Mental or intellectual boundaries are an individual’s boundaries about values, opinions, and beliefs. Individuals have different sets of values and beliefs that serve as guiding principles behind their decisions, actions toward others, and understandings of the world. Mental boundaries may include values that an individual feels are especially important, such as trust and honesty. Individuals may also set boundaries related to political beliefs.
4. Emotional boundaries are boundaries related to someone’s emotions and include boundaries about when and what personal information they share. For example, an individual may be comfortable sharing impactful or traumatic experiences from childhood, or they may prefer to maintain their privacy. Similarly, an individual may be comfortable or uncomfortable with others sharing highly emotional and detailed experiences with them. Boundaries are rooted in what individuals find comfortable or uncomfortable and are highly individualistic.

Healthy relationship curricula and programs have been shown to help youth understand the importance of boundaries and establish limits that support their own needs. Research and practice resources cite communication as the most effective strategy to establish boundaries. Strategies can include partners asking each other clear questions about what they are/are not comfortable with and, however, resources on healthy relationships recommend holding others accountable by clearly communicating when a boundary is crossed, the consequences for crossing a boundary, and following through on that consequence. Relationships may be unhealthy if a young person’s boundaries are ignored, minimized, or disrespected by a partner.

Systemic and cultural considerations for setting and enforcing boundaries in healthy, romantic relationships

Norms associated with boundary-setting vary across cultures. For decades, research has explored how growing up in either collectivist or individualist cultures impacts one’s expectations of themselves, their partner(s), and others (e.g., parents, caregivers, family members, friends) in romantic relationships. For example, if one partner grew up in a collectivist culture, they may expect to spend most of their time with their partner(s) and do things together, whereas someone who grew up in an individualist culture may want more autonomy and independence in
a relationship. Parents and youth-supporting professionals should work with youth to understand the different ways in which culture influences relationships, how to navigate differences with their partner(s) and focus on empowering youth to work toward establishing relationship boundaries.

Suggestions on how to help youth set and reinforce boundaries in healthy, romantic relationships:

• Explore answers to questions about their physical, material, mental, and emotional boundaries, such as:
  • “Would I be okay with physical touch when I’m not expecting it?” or “What kind of physical touch or intimacy am I comfortable with in this situation/with this person?”
  • “Is it okay if my partner uses my phone?”
• “Do I want to share social media passwords?”
• Reflect on past experiences when they did set boundaries or wished they had set boundaries.
• Think about boundaries related to language, such as words to use for body parts. This may be especially important for transgender and nonbinary youth.
• Check in with their partner(s) often on whether boundaries are being respected and upheld, rather than assume how their partners feel.
• Consider how to respond if a partner violates one of their boundaries.
• Take responsibility for crossing boundaries when/if that occurs.

Shared Power

Healthy relationships require equity. Equity, reciprocal and shared power, including support, respect, and personal agency helps prevent negative relationship outcomes such as dating violence. Elements of equity within relationships include an equitable provision of support between partners, a sense of fairness, and mutual respect. Young adults who have more mutuality—or consideration of the needs of others as well as one’s own needs—tend to feel more secure and satisfied in their relationships and better mental health. Lower satisfaction with the division of decision making in a relationship is a risk factor for negative relationship outcomes, including victimization by one’s partner.

Existing societal inequalities or differences in life and romantic experience levels can create power dynamics that challenge equity in relationships. Many youth experience a real or perceived disadvantage to their power within a romantic relationship. These power dynamics may include situations where partners have 1) a large gap in age or experience in romantic relationships; 2) differences in wealth, income, or the stability of their living situation; and 3) differences in social networks and support (e.g., if one partner is not “out” to colleagues, friends, or family). Such power imbalances can make one partner susceptible to unhealthy relationship dynamics such as unhappiness and lower trust, increased sexual risk behaviors, or even threats to their well-being (e.g., dating violence).

Power differences do not exist in isolation; they exist in the context of gender inequity, bias against LGBTQ+ relationships, and racism in society. For example, even among adolescents who profess that they want to be in a gender equal relationship, adolescents face pressure to fill gendered roles: e.g. masculine toughness and sexual experience, feminine caretaking and controlled sexual availability. When adolescents hold more gender-egalitarian beliefs, they endorse fewer harmful myths about romantic relationships, experience less hostility and violence, and have higher overall relationship quality.

Discussing equity in relationships may be a difficult subject. Adolescents may feel self-conscious or defensive about an unequal or power-imbalanced relationship they are in. Youth-supporting
professionals may want to avoid stating or implying that a young person who experiences the child welfare and/or justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work is on the receiving (or benefiting) end of a power imbalance. Instead, consider asking guiding questions such as:

• In what ways do you support your partner(s)? How do your partner(s) support you?
• Do you and your partner(s) feel safe to express your needs and wants?
• Are you happy with how balanced your relationship feels?

Dos and Don’ts for Talking with Youth about Healthy Romantic Relationships

Based on the evidence-based practice tools on healthy relationships identified in this summary, youth-supporting professionals may need additional tools for working with young people who experience the child welfare and/ or justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work. The tips for working with youth presented here are a starting point for these conversations.

References:

Information and text language for this report has been taken from the following publications:

Rosenberg, R., Naylon, K., Rust, K., Beckwith, S., & Woods, N. Healthy romantic relationships and youth well-being. Child Trends. 2024. https://activatecenter.org/resource/healthy-romanticrelationships-
and-youth-well-being/

Rosenberg, R., Naylon, K., Simone-Woods, N., Rust, K., Beckwith, S. Crucial Conversations about Healthy Romantic Relationships: A Toolkit for Youth Supporting Professionals. Child Trends. 2024.

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